"Dissertation on the..." (I've forgotten)

While they are having some kind of party downstairs at Casa Subang, Heidi is having quite a bit of trouble sleeping, but then, she isn't trying to, anyway. Upon deciding that learning French while trying to study Marguerite Duras - that outlandish, yet oddly familiar thinker - for the exam on Monday, she discovers that there is a kind of... 'pointlessness', to be experienced, for sure, with any regimented study such as this. It is not because it is a University study program, no not at all, certainly not... it is because the program is now tapering at the end towards a specific outcome of learning, which, if it might be added, has been learnt and learnt before to the point of tedium. So what does little Heidelbergensis do at this crucial hour, prior to the exams?
She studies astrology. Not from the sky. Nothing as interesting as that. She studies it off the internet. She learns about what it means to be born in the year of the dragon, in the month designated for virgo, that illustrious and deceptive 'virgin' (pff!), and the characteristics which arise due to being ruled by the planet Mercury, and the element 'Earth'. See, these are all self-absorbed areas of interest, and she does not like to come across often as being prone to such narcissism, but, you see, there has arisen withion the past few months a series of 'identity crises'. She has either entirely lost what she once considered to be the essence of herself, or she has been expanded outward, to merge with her environment, to the point of self-loss. In any case, that pompous and self-interested wench, got down and dirty to some much-needed soul-searching... well, if she is to be any good for this upcoming internship, she needs to take care of herself after all. And, furthermore, the identity does tend to flail when one has been grabbed recently on the brassiere by a sexed-up pre-teen in her local neighbourhood. (Not to mention two-years'-worth of postmodern theories being rammed up the arse and anywhere else they will try to fit.) So she read up on herself, as it is indicated by the stars and/or suns (she didn't read that far into it) of the solar system, and she got to thinking that all people are, all they amount to, is a series of pre-determined hormone-combinations, which have delineated all forms of life according to moon-phases, planetary rotations, and probably the weather, since the beginning of life itself!
Then she wrote this. Her 'dissertation' (on Pluto-knows-what):
I want to be an English cavalier. I want to approach the world with a 'snooty' and pompous air, thus concealing my overbearing love for the world. (!)
I want to trammel my perfect leather boots through other people's shit, and then gasp, feigning abhorrence, while I am spat on.
I want to lapse into mock outrage, decidedly indignant upon having my pride burst. I want to revel in my own superciliousness, and use the word, without looking it up in the dictionary first...
and feign shock at others' hatred for me. I want to be simultaneously loved, and hated, as I make my militant way through daily situations. I want to declare my love for people with a 'natural' British accent.
I want to show outlandish facial expressions! I want to pretend that I care! I want to be consulted on artistic and literary matters as though i am some kind of expert! I need! (Alot. Of attention.)
I care about you, and me, and the state of the biosphere!
I want to be part of a group and possess it, through being the joker, the singer, the sweet sweet entertainer.
i want to delight in perfectionism the angst that is me, and narcissism.
I want the rotations of the world, the planets around the sun, the mood of the solar system, to MOVE ME! I have decided to forego for now the plucking of the hairs on my legs, in favour of self-control, and assertiveness because I am a 'modern woman'. (And because I have other, better things to do.) I have chosen to not change, to never change, because it is senseless trying to bend always to others' wills, and to others' wants. I wish to cease all desire for learning, and in that sense, achieve more and learn, absolutely, more, for that is where confidence and leadership becomes a part of the person. To try to learn is to assume that the world is unknown, and that nothing, not any thing in this world, can be incorporated into the mind to cultivate it. Trying to learn is the inhibiting factor, the breaker of the spirit of the being who tries to learn, for how is effective takeoff possible without a platform?
And thus, Heidelus becomes inaugurated into the world, once again, as an actual being with an identity. This time, it's chosen. This time... it's personal.
(12:13 AM, November 31st, 2009.)

rain is an illusion

The rain is just an illusion that we can't go out, can't escape. It rains and we feel silently positive. Hopeful that we may have a defense for our erstwhile lack of activity, lack of participation in the rest of the world.
We want rest. Sometimes. It is the foreshadow of a more positive acceptance of death.

If we are caught out in the rain, we come close to finding affinity with 'the negative', and convert it from negaitve to something entirely else. We accept our fate - getting saturated - and so, unhurriedly, continue to make our way. We silently rejoice the fact that the rain came upon us suddenly, unexpectedly, to teach us this simple message about life: that it doesn't matter whether you struggle or not, because if it is so, then it will be.

Rain can be smelt. Rain can be felt. When it comes on, we attune to our primal selves, and momentarily forget our prejudices, consumer 'needs', and otherwise ever-present daily stresses. It is for this reason that the fact of rain is like a drug. We choose to see it for what it is - a miracle.

new hot text!

Hey, if you want to see something new and straight from the head, check out transignifier, a hypertext novel, fresh, virginal, just out of grade school and puckering up for the break-in into the real world of scratch and sniff wrestling. It's on me. Click here to be directed to the homepage, from where you can navigate your path through transuniversal topics. Oh, and there's PictureS.

AIESEC in Malaysia » Go Exchange!

AIESEC in Malaysia » Go Exchange!

Opportunities exist and present themselves, every now and then. I believe in fate, destiny, whatever you want to call it... Being able to have the chance to go to another country with AIESEC, learn about the culture, the people, what motivates people, and the ways in which I can help communities, is incredibly valuable. If there is a higher purpose, then a greater personal connection with it, should encourage the individual to pursue that path which pokes out and presents itself as the one which is right for them. I feel the meaning rushing into life, and understand that this journey is my own. Here's to the internship - the next chapter of my experience in a fantastic world. =)

the here for the there

This was composed in my little purple journal quite some months ago... the purple one sure did replace the brown one quick and in a fervour of writerly excitement (or should that be 'excrement'?), but has now relaxed, opting instead to be filled at a snail's pace, while i rejuvenate for exams. (Or as much as rejuvenation during exams is possible, which is close to nil. How about, while I 'bludge' for exams.) It is about the splitting of identities when one has two different homes, and when one finds it hard to choose between the places. Enjoy!

To cry from a distance. To pine at a song.
To dream from a hope. To ache in the body.
To shake from the cold. To quiver, down to nothing.
To spare the somniloquy. To retch at sentiment.
To expand beyond the self. To abandon bodily confines, while reaching out, and with mind-fibres, touching another place.
To weep without knowing.
To be mesmerised by pulsing stripes. To let the tiger go.
To know a question, and to hold it. To craft a response that in the end cannot be real, can it? To pass it off. To wait for later. To shock oneself.
To needlessly fight! To paint barriers as cold as winter, but without the rage, without the passion of the wind up the valley.
To set sail. To set sail with things still to do on the mainland.
To fly (and then some). To crap on about a home.
To be away from you. To leave you again.
To forget.

At the moment, I am reading Eckhart Tolle's 'The Power of Now'. Like a regular (*cough) 'self-help book' (hey at least I admit it. And that I'm reading one...), this book tells you all that you already know. However, there is one simple difference: it tells you that you are reading over things you already know. Which is, in its own 'self-help' way, commendable. (I'd give it a home-made certificate for that little fact.)

So it tells us all that we know, while openly declaring it. (It is with great restraint that I don't add 'so frickin what?!') This is part of a larger scheme to replant the notion that truth actually is attainable. Words cannot lead to truth, indeed they are not-the-kinds-of-things-which-can-be-true; what words can do, is Point One To The Truth. Having lost my faith in Truth (capital 't') countless times during my almost-complete university degree - having to learn postmodern theories over and over again to the point of heartbreak - I now have a source to fall back on, to win arguments for human validity. (In the affirmative.) Truly inspiring.

'blood and qi'

from the mountains to the sea, and everything in between. The individual gathers strength, no matter what, with the incorporation of the masculine with the feminine, in a perfect form of beingness.

trough of a dark enlightenment

protector eyes

Protector Eyes. To be worn if one is in danger of being looked at too much, should they be particularly attractive. Intended to thwart bad luck. Each bead has two small protrusions, spaced apart to resemble eyes.

This bracelet was given to me by a friend, after their return from their home country, Uzbekistan.