"Dissertation on the..." (I've forgotten)

While they are having some kind of party downstairs at Casa Subang, Heidi is having quite a bit of trouble sleeping, but then, she isn't trying to, anyway. Upon deciding that learning French while trying to study Marguerite Duras - that outlandish, yet oddly familiar thinker - for the exam on Monday, she discovers that there is a kind of... 'pointlessness', to be experienced, for sure, with any regimented study such as this. It is not because it is a University study program, no not at all, certainly not... it is because the program is now tapering at the end towards a specific outcome of learning, which, if it might be added, has been learnt and learnt before to the point of tedium. So what does little Heidelbergensis do at this crucial hour, prior to the exams?
She studies astrology. Not from the sky. Nothing as interesting as that. She studies it off the internet. She learns about what it means to be born in the year of the dragon, in the month designated for virgo, that illustrious and deceptive 'virgin' (pff!), and the characteristics which arise due to being ruled by the planet Mercury, and the element 'Earth'. See, these are all self-absorbed areas of interest, and she does not like to come across often as being prone to such narcissism, but, you see, there has arisen withion the past few months a series of 'identity crises'. She has either entirely lost what she once considered to be the essence of herself, or she has been expanded outward, to merge with her environment, to the point of self-loss. In any case, that pompous and self-interested wench, got down and dirty to some much-needed soul-searching... well, if she is to be any good for this upcoming internship, she needs to take care of herself after all. And, furthermore, the identity does tend to flail when one has been grabbed recently on the brassiere by a sexed-up pre-teen in her local neighbourhood. (Not to mention two-years'-worth of postmodern theories being rammed up the arse and anywhere else they will try to fit.) So she read up on herself, as it is indicated by the stars and/or suns (she didn't read that far into it) of the solar system, and she got to thinking that all people are, all they amount to, is a series of pre-determined hormone-combinations, which have delineated all forms of life according to moon-phases, planetary rotations, and probably the weather, since the beginning of life itself!
Then she wrote this. Her 'dissertation' (on Pluto-knows-what):
I want to be an English cavalier. I want to approach the world with a 'snooty' and pompous air, thus concealing my overbearing love for the world. (!)
I want to trammel my perfect leather boots through other people's shit, and then gasp, feigning abhorrence, while I am spat on.
I want to lapse into mock outrage, decidedly indignant upon having my pride burst. I want to revel in my own superciliousness, and use the word, without looking it up in the dictionary first...
and feign shock at others' hatred for me. I want to be simultaneously loved, and hated, as I make my militant way through daily situations. I want to declare my love for people with a 'natural' British accent.
I want to show outlandish facial expressions! I want to pretend that I care! I want to be consulted on artistic and literary matters as though i am some kind of expert! I need! (Alot. Of attention.)
I care about you, and me, and the state of the biosphere!
I want to be part of a group and possess it, through being the joker, the singer, the sweet sweet entertainer.
i want to delight in perfectionism the angst that is me, and narcissism.
I want the rotations of the world, the planets around the sun, the mood of the solar system, to MOVE ME! I have decided to forego for now the plucking of the hairs on my legs, in favour of self-control, and assertiveness because I am a 'modern woman'. (And because I have other, better things to do.) I have chosen to not change, to never change, because it is senseless trying to bend always to others' wills, and to others' wants. I wish to cease all desire for learning, and in that sense, achieve more and learn, absolutely, more, for that is where confidence and leadership becomes a part of the person. To try to learn is to assume that the world is unknown, and that nothing, not any thing in this world, can be incorporated into the mind to cultivate it. Trying to learn is the inhibiting factor, the breaker of the spirit of the being who tries to learn, for how is effective takeoff possible without a platform?
And thus, Heidelus becomes inaugurated into the world, once again, as an actual being with an identity. This time, it's chosen. This time... it's personal.
(12:13 AM, November 31st, 2009.)